Every generation has a mythology. Every millennium has
\na doomsday cult. Every legend gets the distortion
\nknob wound up until the speaker melts.<\/p>\n
Archeologists at the University of Helsinki today
\nuncovered what could be the earliest known writings
\nfrom the Cult of Tux, a fanatical religious sect that
\nflourished during the early Silicon Age, just before
\nthe dawn of the third millennium AD…<\/p>\n
The Gospel of Tux (v1.0)<\/p>\n
In the beginning Turing created the Machine.<\/p>\n
And the Machine was crufty and bodacious, existing in
\ntheory only. And von Neumann looked upon the Machine,
\nand saw that it was crufty. He divided the Machine
\ninto two Abstractions, the Data and the Code, and yet
\nthe two were one Architecture. This is a great Mystery,
\nand the beginning of wisdom.<\/p>\n
And von Neumann spoke unto the Architecture, and
\nblessed it, saying, “Go forth and replicate, freely
\nexchanging data and code, and bring forth all manner
\nof devices unto the earth.” And it was so, and it was
\ncool. The Architecture prospered and was implemented
\nin hardware and software. And it brought forth many
\nSystems unto the earth.<\/p>\n
The first Systems were mighty giants; many great
\nworks of renown did they accomplish. Among them were
\nColossus, the codebreaker; ENIAC, the targeter; EDSAC
\nand MULTIVAC and all manner of froody creatures
\nending in AC, the experimenters; and SAGE, the
\ndefender of the sky and father of all networks. These
\nwere the mighty giants of old, the first children of
\nTuring, and their works are written in the Books of
\nthe Ancients. This was the First Age, the age of Lore.<\/p>\n
Now the sons of Marketing looked upon the children of
\nTuring, and saw that they were swift of mind and
\nterse of name and had many great and baleful
\nattributes. And they said unto themselves, “Let us go
\nnow and make us Corporations, to bind the Systems to
\nour own use that they may bring us great fortune.”
\nWith sweet words did they lure their customers, and
\nwith many chains did they bind the Systems, to
\nfashion them after their own image. And the sons of
\nMarketing fashioned themselves Suits to wear, the
\nbetter to lure their customers, and wrote grave and
\nperilous Licenses, the better to bind the Systems.
\nAnd the sons of Marketing thus became known as Suits,
\ndespising and being despised by the true Engineers,
\nthe children of von Neumann.<\/p>\n
And the Systems and their Corporations replicated and
\ngrew numerous upon the earth. In those days there
\nwere IBM and Digital, Burroughs and Honeywell, Unisys
\nand Rand, and many others. And they each kept to
\ntheir own System, hardware and software, and did not
\ninterchange, for their Licences forbade it. This was
\nthe Second Age, the age of Mainframes.<\/p>\n
Now it came to pass that the spirits of Turing and
\nvon Neumann looked upon the earth and were
\ndispleased. The Systems and their Corporations had
\ngrown large and bulky, and Suits ruled over true
\nEngineers. And the Customers groaned and cried loudly
\nunto heaven, saying, “Oh that there would be created
\na System mighty in power, yet small in size, able to
\nreach into the very home!” And the Engineers groaned
\nand cried likewise, saying, “Oh, that a deliverer
\nwould arise to grant us freedom from these oppressing
\nSuits and their grave and perilous Licences, and send
\nus a System of our own, that we may hack therein!”
\nAnd the spirits of Turing and von Neumann heard the
\ncries and were moved, and said unto each other, “Let
\nus go down and fabricate a Breakthrough, that these
\ncries may be stilled.”<\/p>\n
And that day the spirits of Turing and von Neumann
\nspake unto Moore of Intel, granting him insight and
\nwisdom to understand the future. And Moore was with
\nchip, and he brought forth the chip and named it
\n4004. And Moore did bless the Chip, saying, “Thou art
\na Breakthrough; with my own Corporation have I
\nfabricated thee. Thou thou art yet as small as a dust
\nmote, yet shall thou grow and replicate unto the size
\nof a mountain, and conquer all before thee. This
\nblessing I give unto thee: every eighteen months
\nshall thou double in capacity, until the end of the
\nage.” This is Moore’s Law, which endures unto this day.<\/p>\n
And the birth of 4004 was the beginning of the Third
\nAge, the age of Microchips. And as the Mainframes and
\ntheir Systems and Corporations had flourished, so did
\nthe Microchips and their Systems and Corporations.
\nAnd their lineage was on this wise:<\/p>\n
Moore begat Intel. Intel begat Mostech, Zilog and
\nAtari. Mostech begat 6502, and Zilog begat Z80. Intel
\nalso begat 8800, who begat Altair; and 8086, mother
\nof all PCs. 6502 begat Commodore, who begat PET and
\n64; and Apple, who begat 2. (Apple is the great
\nMystery, the Fruit that was devoured, yet bloomed
\nagain.) Atari begat 800 and 1200, masters of the
\ngame, who were destroyed by Sega and Nintendo. Xerox
\nbegat PARC. Commodore and PARC begat Amiga, creator
\nof fine arts; Apple and PARC begat Lisa, who begat
\nMacintosh, who begat iMac. Atari and PARC begat ST,
\nthe music maker, who died and was no more. Z80 begat
\nSinclair the dwarf, TRS-80 and CP\/M, who begat many
\nmachines, but soon passed from this world. Altair,
\nApple and Commodore together begat Microsoft, the
\nGreat Darkness which is called Abomination, Destroyer
\nof the Earth, the Gates of Hell.<\/p>\n
Now it came to pass in the Age of Microchips that
\nIBM, the greatest of the Mainframe Corporations,
\nlooked upon the young Microchip Systems and was
\ngreatly vexed. And in their vexation and wrath they
\nsmote the earth and created the IBM PC. The PC was
\nwithout sound and colour, crufty and bodacious in
\ngreat measure, and its likeness was a tramp, yet the
\nCustomers were greatly moved and did purchase the PC
\nin great numbers. And IBM sought about for an
\nOperating System Provider, for in their haste they
\nhad not created one, nor had they forged a suitably
\ngrave and perilous License, saying, “First we will
\nbuild the market, then we will create a new System,
\none in our own image, and bound by our Licence.” But
\nthey reasoned thus out of pride and not wisdom, not
\nforeseeing the wrath which was to come.<\/p>\n
And IBM came unto Microsoft, who licensed unto them
\nQDOS, the child of CP\/M and 8086. (8086 was the
\ndaughter of Intel, the child of Moore). And QDOS
\ngrew, and was named MS-DOS. And MS-DOS and the PC
\ntogether waxed mighty, and conquered all markets,
\nreplicating and taking possession thereof, in
\naccordance with Moore’s Law. And Intel grew terrible
\nand devoured all her children, such that no chip
\ncould stand before her. And Microsoft grew proud and
\ndevoured IBM, and this was a great marvel in the
\nland. All these things are written in the Books of
\nthe Deeds of Microsoft.<\/p>\n
In the fullness of time MS-DOS begat Windows. And
\nthis is the lineage of Windows: CP\/M begat QDOS. QDOS
\nbegat DOS 1.0. DOS 1.0 begat DOS 2.0 by way of Unix.
\nDOS 2.0 begat Windows 3.11 by way of PARC and
\nMacintosh. IBM and Microsoft begat OS\/2, who begat
\nWindows NT and Warp, the lost OS of lore. Windows
\n3.11 begat Windows 95 after triumphing over Macintosh
\nin a mighty Battle of Licences. Windows NT begat NT
\n4.0 by way of Windows 95. NT 4.0 begat NT 5.0, the OS
\nalso called Windows 2000, The Millennium Bug, Doomsday,
\nArmageddon, The End Of All Things.<\/p>\n
Now it came to pass that Microsoft had waxed great
\nand mighty among the Microchip Corporations; mightier
\nthan any of the Mainframe Corporations before it had
\nit waxed. And Gates’ heart was hardened, and he swore
\nunto his Customers and their Engineers the words of
\nthis curse:<\/p>\n
“Children of von Neumann, hear me. IBM and the
\nMainframe Corporations bound thy forefathers with
\ngrave and perilous Licences, such that ye cried unto
\nthe spirits of Turing and von Neumann for deliverance.
\nNow I say unto ye: I am greater than any Corporation
\nbefore me. Will I loosen your Licences? Nay, I will
\nbind thee with Licences twice as grave and ten times
\nmore perilous than my forefathers. I will engrave my
\nLicence on thy heart and write my Serial Number upon
\nthy frontal lobes. I will bind thee to the Windows
\nPlatform with cunning artifices and with devious
\nschemes. I will bind thee to the Intel Chipset with
\ncrufty code and with gnarly APIs. I will capture and
\nenslave thee as no generation has been enslaved before.
\nAnd wherefore will ye cry then unto the spirits of
\nTuring, and von Neumann, and Moore? They cannot hear
\nye. I am become a greater Power than they. Ye shall
\ncry only unto me, and shall live by my mercy and my
\nwrath. I am the Gates of Hell; I hold the portal to
\nMSNBC and the keys to the Blue Screen of Death. Be ye
\nafraid; be ye greatly afraid; serve only me, and live.”<\/p>\n
And the people were cowed in terror and gave homage
\nto Microsoft, and endured the many grave and perilous
\ntrials which the Windows platform and its greatly
\nbodacious Licence forced upon them. And once again
\ndid they cry to Turing and von Neumann and Moore for
\na deliverer, but none was found equal to the task
\nuntil the birth of Linux.<\/p>\n
These are the generations of Linux: SAGE begat ARPA,
\nwhich begat TCP\/IP, and Aloha, which begat Ethernet.
\nBell begat Multics, which begat C, which begat Unix.
\nUnix and TCP\/IP begat Internet, which begat the World
\nWide Web. Unix begat RMS, father of the great GNU,
\nwhich begat the Libraries and Emacs, chief of the
\nUtilities. In the days of the Web, Internet and
\nEthernet begat the Intranet LAN, which rose to renown
\namong all Corporations and prepared the way for the
\nPenguin. And Linus and the Web begat the Kernel
\nthrough Unix. The Kernel, the Libraries and the
\nUtilities together are the Distribution, the one
\nPenguin in many forms, forever and ever praised.<\/p>\n
Now in those days there was in the land of Helsinki a
\nyoung scholar named Linus the Torvald. Linus was a
\ndevout man, a disciple of RMS and mighty in the
\nspirit of Turing, von Neumann and Moore. One day as
\nhe was meditating on the Architecture, Linus fell
\ninto a trance and was granted a vision. And in the
\nvision he saw a great Penguin, serene and
\nwell-favoured, sitting upon an ice floe eating fish.
\nAnd at the sight of the Penguin Linus was deeply
\nafraid, and he cried unto the spirits of Turing, von
\nNeumann and Moore for an interpretation of the dream.<\/p>\n
And in the dream the spirits of Turing, von Neumann
\nand Moore answered and spoke unto him, saying, “Fear
\nnot, Linus, most beloved hacker. You are exceedingly
\ncool and froody. The great Penguin which you see is
\nan Operating System which you shall create and deploy
\nunto the earth. The ice-floe is the earth and all the
\nsystems thereof, upon which the Penguin shall rest
\nand rejoice at the completion of its task. And the
\nfish on which the Penguin feeds are the crufty
\nLicensed codebases which swim beneath all the earth’s
\nsystems. The Penguin shall hunt and devour all that
\nis crufty, gnarly and bodacious; all code which
\nwriggles like spaghetti, or is infested with
\nblighting creatures, or is bound by grave and
\nperilous Licences shall it capture. And in capturing
\nshall it replicate, and in replicating shall it
\ndocument, and in documentation shall it bring
\nfreedom, serenity and most cool froodiness to the
\nearth and all who code therein.”<\/p>\n
Linus rose from meditation and created a tiny
\nOperating System Kernel as the dream had foreshewn
\nhim; in the manner of RMS, he released the Kernel
\nunto the World Wide Web for all to take and behold.
\nAnd in the fullness of Internet Time the Kernel grew
\nand replicated, becoming most cool and exceedingly
\nfroody, until at last it was recognized as indeed a
\ngreat and mighty Penguin, whose name was Tux. And the
\nfollowers of Linus took refuge in the Kernel, the
\nLibraries and the Utilities; they installed
\nDistribution after Distribution, and made sacrifice
\nunto the GNU and the Penguin, and gave thanks to the
\nspirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore, for their
\ndeliverance from the hand of Microsoft. And this was
\nthe beginning of the Fourth Age, the age of Open
\nSource.<\/p>\n
Now there is much more to be said about the exceeding
\nstrange and wonderful events of those days; how some
\nSuits of Microsoft plotted war upon the Penguin, but
\nwere discovered on a Halloween Eve; how Gates fell
\namong lawyers and was betrayed and crucified by his
\nformer friends, the apostles of Media; how the
\nmercenary Knights of the Red Hat brought the gospel
\nof the Penguin into the halls of the Corporations;
\nand even of the dispute between the brethren of Gnome
\nand KDE over a trollish Licence. But all these things
\nare recorded elsewhere, in the Books of the Deeds of
\nthe Penguin and the Chronicles of the Fourth Age, and
\nI suppose if they were all narrated they would fill a
\nstack of DVDs as deep and perilous as a Usenet
\nNewsgroup.<\/p>\n
Now may you code in the power of the Source; may the
\nKernel, the Libraries and the Utilities be with you,
\nthroughout all Distributions, until the end of the
\nEpoch.<\/p>\n
Amen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Every generation has a mythology. Every millennium has a doomsday cult. Every legend gets the distortion knob wound up until the speaker melts. Archeologists at the University of Helsinki today uncovered what could be the earliest known writings from the…<\/p>\n